I’ve been teaching Pilates for thirteen years now and I’m not surprised when a new student tears up or even sobs on occasion when we begin to venture into new territory in their body. It usually happens when we release tension, especially in the pelvis or shoulders. I believe we hold strong memories in our bodies and there can be a rush of emotion when we begin to let go of our old patterns. I find that expressing emotion while you do your Pilates work can have a positive impact on creating new pathways for better, more easeful movement. This has happened many times with my students over the years, but never to me personally until yesterday.

I’m turning 50 in two weeks and I’ve been challenging myself to prepare for doing a back walkover to celebrate. I’m working with my Pilates teacher Tiffany once a week, taking classes, doing self practice and making weekly videos of my progress. It has been fun and hard and pushes me to the limits of my comfort zone as I have had limited range of motion in my neck and shoulders with chronic pain in my upper back for years since I suffered whiplash in two car accidents two years apart almost twenty years ago.

I’ve been pleased with my progress toward the back walkover by achieving better range of motion and strength in my shoulders and back. I think I’ve got the flexibility and strength to do a backbend now. At least a clunky 50 year old backbend with some assistance.

So why did I cry? Yesterday, after a great workout with Tiffany I was moving closer to the full backbend I’ve been hoping for but at a certain point I always pull back and feel unable to follow through. I’ve been hoping that as I built strength and mobility it would become easier but that moment as I start to bend back fills me with fear every time and I haven’t been able to move through it. As Tiffany held on to my left hand I found I could do the full movement fairly well on the right side but when I tried to go back on the left I stopped short. My eyes where blurring, I felt disoriented and a strong memory of collapsing onto my head played out each time I tried. With Tiffany’s support I slowed it down, focused my eyes as I went back keeping my left hand over head and made it to the floor. When I came back up I was met with a wave of emotion, a passing through me of old fear and tension which brought me to tears. I feel proud that I pushed through that fear and lucky to have a friend that could help get me there.

I still haven’t done the full backbend. I don’t know if I will by my birthday in two weeks. I’m not sure if I ever will but I do know I will not stop trying, I will not stop pushing through my fears and limitations, in my Pilates practice or in my life.